The Experiment to good to be true
by Nicky7
Summary: See what funny things will happen when two fans gets accidental into their favorite TV-series......


Author' note: This is my first M*A*S*H-fanfiction . This idea for this story came to me during watching the movie "Pleasantville" and what funny and crazy things would happen if someone "beams" right into its favorite TV- series. I'm from Germany and it took me a lot of work to get this translated in English, so please apologize me not perfect English. I hope you enjoy it and criticism is greatly appreciated, please send any comment, good or not, to: headnurse@t-online.de  
  
  
  
The Experiment: Too good to be true  
  
by Nicky  
  
I hurried home because I had an important TV-Rendezvous today: My favorite TV-series was on the air again. Although I already knew every episode of M*A*S*H by heart from long video-nights, it is always something special to see live on TV! I had to hurry now, just got some new batteries for the remote control. Oh boy, when did batteries get this expensive? I was told by the strange salesman, that these batteries were something special. Their longevity would reach magical power...........Okay, I would see how long it would work. Well, I finally made it home! Only five minutes left until M*A*S*H began. Actually I was really excited. I didn't know which episode would be on today. Well, it would be a surprise with anticipated joy! Quickly I fumbled these highly expensive super luxury ultra strong magical batteries into the remote control. Nervously I checked my watch. Where was Susan?! My friend and I sometimes watched it together. Just in the nick of time, I switched the TV on. In a hurry I searched for chips. The credit titles were already on. Ahhh, how I love this music and the incoming choppers! I love to watch the nurses run over the viewing screen and the solider and medics dash upstairs. I love Hawkeye with that terrible hat and funny Hawaiian-Shirt, as he makes the sign to "follow me" to the others. Immediately thereafter a close up of his face would come...damn it - the door bell rang right in this moment. Susie finally came! We hurried back in the living room and fell back in the sofa. In this hectic state of mind, I didn't notice the remote control which was lying on the sofa and sat directly on it. Suddenly strange things happened: Some sort of wake or maelstrom , which seemed to come from the TV-set grasped us. We were being spun around the living room. It was just like overcoming gravity - like you do loops in a roller coaster. The spatial and temporal dimensions were totally gone. I felt my guts being turned upside down. Naturally, I panicked !! I was to be contained in absolutely chaos and no spiritual or physical power could have saved me. I was moving in circles until I was overwhelmed by a dizzy sickness and finally unconsciousness relieved me.  
  
Noise! Terrible noise, which sounded like the rotors of a helicopter. Voices. Terrible confusion slowly trickled into my regaining consciousness. I stayed motionless and tried to get past the nausea and pain which tormented my body before I fainted. I didn't try to regain consciousness. Like in slow motion, I felt a hand spanning around my throat and I felt my pulse throbbing against it. At the same time, a dazzling light flashed into my blurred consciousness. It was awfully painful !! Then the other eyelid was lifted up as well. Oh lord, I must have had an accident, I thought - a pleasant darkness surrounded me again. I heard a voice saying "No external injuries, doctor", far away. With an enormous effort, which produced beads of perspiration on my upper lip, I finally collected enough strength to open my eyes. It took some time to get a clear vision. Then I saw a man bending over me who looked exactly like Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce and he was waving a syringe around the air. HAWKEYE?! Oh, I must be dreaming, I smiled! Was this a state of coma?! Another vertigo came over me, apparently caused by the fact that I was moved again. Someone must have turned me over. I would really have liked to protest, but I was too weak and dizzy. I suddenly froze by a short stitch somewhere at my backside and I cried out loudly: "Ouch, since when does dreams sting??" Little by little, I realized, that someone must have gotten to my bottom to give me a shot. Somehow I could not coordinate my thoughts with my movements. Then I spotted a longhaired blond woman who was taking my blood- pressure. Amusingly, this woman looked precisely like Margaret Houlihan! Oh boy, I must have been hurt real bad. What had happened ?! I couldn't remember a damned thing?! Apparently I was suffering from a total lack of memory. Where was I? What was happening to me? I was not at all alone?! SUSIE! That's right, Susie was with me! "Susie, where are you?" I called for her and tried to sit up. Energetic hands tried to hold me down. "Easy, easy. You' re safe! You're at the 4077, it's a MASH-unit. You might have a serious concussion. The shot must be working now. Your colleague is over there. She's not hurt as bad as you. Potter is looking after her. Seems she has only broken her wrist", the guy who looked so damned similar to Hawkeye explained. He didn't only look like Hawkeye, he also had his voice and was even wearing the same red bathrobe: " Do you remember anything? What happened to you?! What's your name? You're not wearing a dog-tag! Where are you from?! From the aid station?" This similarity to my series darling made me so perplexed that I didn't respond to any of his questions. The surroundings were really frightening, which I now in unbelieving amazement realized . Green tents every where. Wooden barracks with sheet-roofs. Army-jeeps and a very old bus were standing around the compound. Now and then the air was filled with the sound of a detonation. I was lying in the dirt on a improvised stretcher and all around me, hectic and busy people were wearing khaki- and white clothes. All these impressions and my conjectures were stretching sluggish through my mind like chewing gum. They must have administered me a hallucinogenic drug! Apparently, I was suffering from more than a concussion! My "Hawkeye-double" patted my shoulder: "Just relax, stay calm! I'll be back later to check on you. I have to hurry into OR. I'd much rather like to stay here and hold hands with you , but this butcher shop inside needs me more". Then he twinkled to me in typical Hawkeye style. "In the meantime we will do some nice portrays of the inside of your head, just as a precaution, to see if everything is where it is supposed to be!" Caught up in this beautiful dream, I dozed off, in the blissful hope, that the alarm clock would never ring again........  
  
I was awakened by a huge embrace. Someone had fallen to my neck. Confused and alarmed I sat up: "Hey Susie, what's up?! Oh, it's such a pity, I've just had such a beautiful dream! With Hawkeye in it. What's the matter?!" Susie's expression left me frozen. She looked like she would burst straight into laughter tears or start crying: "My God, I'll tell you how happy I am, that I can talk to you, Nicky! How are you? How do you feel? Do you see the same things I do? I must be going crazy!" With increasing discomfort I sat up and noticed my surrounding with amazement, and got more and more surprised . We found ourselves in a first aid- or storage-room, or was it a lab or an examination-ward? The walls were of plywood and the roof was of corrugated sheet. All very primitive. Cupboards containing a lot of first aid packets and boxes filled with medicine. There were bottles with odd solutions , and big army-green lockers with big red crosses painted on the front . Behind a curtain, I discovered a very old X-ray machine and on one side of the table, I saw an ancient microscope and some test tubes . Right in the middle of all this, I found myself sitting on a stretcher with Susan standing in front of me, wringing her hands..I couldn't find any words to describe it! Now I must have had the same expression as my friend. I didn't know if I should be amused or totally terrified. I took a deep breath: "Oh God, where are we?! Please pinch me, I think I'm going crazy as well! Do you know what this looks like? It looks exactly like in the first aid room of the M*A*S*H-camp!!!!!!" Susie nodded: "You wouldn't believe what I've seen since we arrived here......." "What do you mean exactly ?" I cut Susie short. "When I regained consciousness , Colonel Potter looked after me! I thought I was dreaming . Something was quite wrong with the picture. We've gotten into something, which is too much for my mind........." Susie explained. "Ouch, I have broken my wrist, but they haven't had time to put it into plaster yet, 'cause a lot of casualties have arrived," she talked confusingly. "Since then I've been lost in amazement. I do not understand a WORD??" "One moment, easy Susie..., you mean...." I stuttered. "Say it again please....., Potter, casualties...., the choppers, this room here?! Are you telling me, that we've......", I laughed nervously, "no, this can't be real, this can't be true......" I tried to think, took a deep breath and touched my heart "You mean, I didn't just see Hawkeye in a dream..........." I exhaled quickly. "No, no, oh no, this guy which looked like Hawkeye........." "Exactly........, uh, he didn't only look like Hawkeye....ah, uhhh....he IS Hawkeye " Susan completed "I'm green with envy that you got examined by Hawkeye and I got into Potter's hands......" Suddenly I felt terrible hot and narrow down my throat: "Stop it, otherwise I'm going to faint again!" "NO, please don't," Susie begged, "don't leave me here alone!" "Do you remember anything?" I asked. I obvious had a gap in my memory. My head was ringing and awfully painful , and somehow my brain felt too small for my skull and was too overloaded to be able to understand anything. "What happened?", I asked Susie. "And where.....,how, uh,..... why.... did we get into this mess? It's like we've been sucked into the TV!" "Hm, I came to your house, you opened the door and let me in. We then rushed to the living room", Susan tried to reconstruct it. "Think, M*A*S*H had just begun and then you must have thrown yourself onto the remote control and somehow we got catapulted straight into the credit titles........." We burst into roaring laughter. We were almost killing ourselves with laughter. "Maybe we've landed in a time trap, some kind of a temporal paradox," I clowned and wiped my tears of laughter away. "Hey, I have it: We've been exposed to a chronological radiation which caused a temporal shifting," Susie suggested . "Oh boy, I think you are too obsessed with science fiction!" I grumbled. "Yeah, and you with your stupid M*A*S*H!!!!!! Why we couldn't for Gods sake have been sucked into a series like 'STAR TREK'. They would have bigger chances to 'beam' us back again," Susie noticed. " Just be glad we didn't watch 'Buffy', otherwise we would have to fight vampires." "We are lucky we didn't end up in 'Quincy' either, otherwise we would might have ended up under his dissecting scalpel," Susie said dry. "Don't say that out loud! Here they can amputate a leg or split your skull open. Remember," I said ironically, "we're only a few miles from the front!" "Do you have any idea which episode we've been sucked into?! Hope you know all 251 by heart!" "Hey, I am not THAT obsessed!" I protested. " I would say, we're in the 5.th season!" "Is that the season were Ferret Face is still here or the one with my lovely Charles," Susie asked, laughing as usually cause we would always have endless discussions about her exceptional favorite. I rolled my eyes: "I've got no idea! I don't know the complete series by heart, you know! Who have you met so far? Please tell me, I've missed everything by being unconscious! I remember, like in a dream, Houlihan, how she took my blood pressure and Hawkeye.....," I rubbed my bottom in unpleasant memory of the shot he gave me. And he really IS lousy with a needle! "Hi hi, ha ha, you finally get to met your favorite Doc, and then he knocks you out cold at once," Susie teased me. Then she told me what had happened to her: "Well, when I regained consciousness we were both in the middle of triage, lying on the floor with all the other wounded surrounding us. Soon Potter came over and took care of my arm and asked thousands of questions about how we got wounded and why we were in civilian and without dog tags. You were still unconscious, that's why they called Pierce. I wasn't able to follow you anymore, because they took me inside to do some X-rays. Then they parked me in pre-op with all the other minor wounded. Somehow I got informed that you had been X-rayed as well and that you had a serious concussion. Hey, by the way, lay down again! I wouldn't sit up if I was you! Well, then they parked me here with you until the doctors are ready in OR ," Susan finished this unbelievable story. My first reaction was: "Oh boy, nobody will believe a word of this!" How are we going to explain what we're doing here?! We are just two fans who always wanted to be live at the 4077.......... Oh Jesus, I think I going to have a heart attack! Have you told Potter any mad story yet?" Susie sat down besides me on the stretcher and glanced sidelong: "Well.kind of! I told him that we are assistant-nurses on our way to R&R. But before he had any time to think about it, he was called to a seriously wounded. You must assist me in case they want details!" "Oh swell! I hope we don't have to demonstrate our medical skills here", I was terrified. "Remember, we're not real nurses, we're only consulting room assistants who have to do more paperwork than attend to patients." "Sorry, but it was the best idea I had," Susie maintained, shrugging her shoulders. "Hey, I was totally out of it, you know, like you are now! Honest, I don't understand what's going on here..........To everybody who asked me, I've told them, that I don't remember how this accident happened! You should do the same! Do you have the faintest idea how we're supposed to get out of this mess?!" "The alarm clock will ring right now and reveal that it was all just a nightmare," I suggested. "Hmm, suppose the best thing would be to pretend amnesia, War fatigue or something it that direction.. we simply can't remember anything!" "I don't know?! If they should send us to a funny farm you could faint again or just act any other shocking condition," Susan advised . I had just begun to inform Susie about the most important happenings and places here, as the door flung open and Potter and Pierce suddenly turned up . The CO was already wearing his army clothes and Hawkeye appeared in a doctor's white coat and cheerfully shouted: "Have no fear, the doctors are here! Check up is half price today and pre-up grubs costs double!" Good God, my heart sank into my boots, this made me downright sweat.. Hawkeye Pierce himself !!!!!!! Unshaven and in person!!! He was much more impressive in person than on TV. Approximately 6 feet an 2 ½ inches tall. On the contrary, Potter was small and old, but his enormous authoritative personality made up for his lack of height. Susie moved nervously beside me on the bed, too, and hissed to me as the doctors studied our X-rays.: "I didn't have the faintest idea of how much appeal Pierce had!..I think I'll pass out as well........" I bumped my elbow into her side to shut her up. This situation was so amusing, so unreal! I just had to control myself not to burst into laughter! But Susie went on: "I would have preferred to meet Trapper!" My self-control was gone by now. I just made to prevent a loud chuckling, I tried to hide my fit of laughter by breathing deeply and pretend to faint again. Susie was immediately serious again and jumped off the bed: "I told you! Relax, don't get up so soon!" Potter ordered me to lay down again and Pierce was instantly by my side to feel my pulse. Incredible, what tragic irony!? There I was. First subdued and now my heart was beating wildly with excitement. This scene was so absurd! It is indeed not every day you're acting in your favorite TV-series and on top of that, becomes the "victim" of the leading man! This unexpected spontaneous bodily contact with my TV-hero more than ever made my heart rate slide totally off. It was therefore quite natural for Dr. Pierce to worry about the tachycardia, so I had to submit to a complete physical. Potter took my friend along with him because he wanted BJ to get her wrist in plaster. In the meantime I got a real work over by my darling doctor.Dr. Hawkeye Pierce himself. With cool and daring sayings and a naughty undertone, Hawkeye tried to create a relaxed atmosphere. Oh boy, this Hawkeye all right - this old womanizer! I had to restrain myself not to get a heart attack again. I didn't have to wait too long for the unavoidable questions. For the medical record, Pierce needed to know my name, my serial number (hi hi, I gave him my telephone number.), my rank (I promoted myself to Lieutenant) and as an unit, I invented an Evac Hospital. Little by little, it really began to make fun! Over and over again he asked what had happened and what we were doing so close to the front. As Susie recommended, I decided to fake amnesia. I could absolutely not remember one single thing about the accident......... Unfortunately this resulted in absolutely bed-rest. Hawkeye wanted to put me into post-op for observation but I achieved, with an amount of protest, to be put in the VIP-tent along with Susan.  
  
The night came quickly in Korea. We felt like prisoners in our tent. We didn't dare to go outside. Major Houlihan came herself to bring us dinner. TOO BAD! We really wanted to go to the mess-tent, where so many great scenes had been (or would be in the future?!). The unforgettable "I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish..."-scene or the one where Hawkeye sings "You're the top" on the table without his bottoms, after he was thoroughly fooled by BJ's brilliant joke..the joke which never came! Margaret didn't only bring us something to eat and drink but also garments, underwear and other useful things. "My nurses and I have collected this for you because you both arrived here without any luggage," the good mooded head nurse announced and staked the clothes and details on Susan's bed. Susie put the same show on as I, when she was questioned by Potter and Hunnicutt. She couldn't remember anything as well. At the moment we were no longer bothered. It appeared, that they satisfied with war fatigue as a diagnosis, and gave us time until we were ready to talk . "If you need something or just feel like chatting about something, my tent is right next to yours," Houlihan friendly offered, and was gone again. Wow, what a great woman! And she was far more cute in person than on TV. She was very cultivated for all the dirt and primitive improvisation around here. Just why haven't we got so beautiful long manicured fingernails! How she gets those into the surgery gloves is indeed a mystery to us !!  
  
We were just ready to eat, when it knocked on the door again. Father Mulcahy was outside. Hesitating, he stepped inside and was touching his hat, which he held in front of him, somewhat confused. His eyes first caught sight on our not yet emptied plates. "Uh, this dish was awful," he apologized. "Igor has outdone himself again!" It was liver (!!) with mashed potatoes and corn. We both just ate the side- dishes, the liver was still laying on our plates and we smirked. "Uh...., once our Captain Pierce threw a fit 'cause fish and liver was on the menu, every day, for 11 days straight" the padre chatted harmlessly. Our grin got even bigger , and I had to discipline myself not to burst into laughter. Mulcahy told us the whole story right up till its bitter end, where the spareribs were flown in from Chicago and just in the moment they were ready to eat, a lot of casualties arrived. Then it had been his, Mulcahy's idea, to feed the surgeons in OR. Everyone pulled down their masks during the endless operations, so they could finally nibble at the long yearned ribs. We were thrilled by the story, specially how it ended. Maybe we could try to make the padre to talk more about what happened between the episodes, which we, as viewers, had missed. Obviously he too came to make us talk. With gentle and harmless talk about this and that, he tried to get something out of us. But we remained unapproachable and were not very communicative.  
  
Finally we were alone again and had huge fun with all these unforeseen and funny events. It didn't take long until the next visitor was at the doormat: Klinger! Dressed like an opera diva! He wore a very tight evening-dress, gloves up to the elbows and a feather boa. He wore such high heels, that even I would have troubles walking around. Susie and I intensely tried to avoided our sights from meeting, otherwise we would have been screaming with laughter. He greeted us with a friendly"Hi, girls," and also laid some clothes on the bed. But he had troubles bending down because of his tight dress. He stumbled on one heel and almost lost his balance. Now our self control was gone! We almost killed ourselves with laughter. That's just Klinger in a nutshell! Too funny! Just think of all the things he had done in the "I'll do anything to get out of the Army "-scenes! And all this live, was too much for us! Klinger stood there and said deadly serious: " Go ahead, laugh at me. Everyone tries his to get out of this mans army! I just brought you some garments!" Wow! Original parts of the Klinger Collection!!! What an honor! He brought a skirt and a plain white blouse. He also gave us a khaki T Shirt and an Army-shirt, which he had never worn. This guy was indeed unique! We expressed our thanks and apologized for the fit of laughter. My God, if he could only see how amusing he is for us viewers and how much the fans love him in women's clothing! He is to blame for the most laughter outbreaks in the whole series! "Well, I really don't know where you both came from and what you're planning to do," Klinger started, "but this 'Section 8 act' ,was originally my thing! Do YOU think it's such great fun to watch me break my legs in these murderous shoes..." "Max, all your efforts are actually in vain, because you are the only one who voluntarily stays in Korea after war.....," I prattled away in my cheerfulness. Suddenly I became aware of my mistake. Ups, how could I just blab it out?! What was the "general-order" of all temporal dimensions called: Never interfere in history in any way or any place! This could change our complete future! Dear Lord, what had I done?! Klinger looked suspiciously at me with his big marble looking black eyes: "How the hell do you know that?! Who are you? What's going on here?! And how the hell do you know my given name?!" "Okay, Klinger," Susan tried to mend my silly blunder, "we'll tell you the whole story if you promise that you won't tell anybody about it: We come from the future and were sent here to try to end this stupid war earlier than history tells it, to prevent all this suffering and death....." "You are either nuts, or from secret service," the Corporal muttered, turned around and strutted out on his high heels. Some days later there was a rumor were going around the mess-tent, that Klinger had been seen in a space suit and heard some kind of computer- voice telling: "He is a visitor from the future!"  
  
Going back to our VIP-tent this very evening , we hardly had any time to digest all these incredible and funny experiences. Soon the next visitor announced his appearance, in the shape of Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the Third! Oh boy, it really seemed we were the talk of the town..uh, the camp. Apparently, everyone knew about our inexplicable emerge and it must have spread like wildfire all over camp. Now it was Susie's turn to have a stupid grin all over her face over the fact, that we were in THE seasons, where her favorite doctor had arrived. The pompous and bombastic Winchester was just as curios as the others, who visited us for a number of reasons. At the ambitious pretend to find a neurological reason for our amnesia, he actually got on our nerves at this late hour. I tried to explain to him, that we in fact were Hawkeye and Hunnicutt's patients. Susan was no longer capable of doing anything, because of the fact that, she adored Charles so much. By now, she was close to having a heart attack! Outside the tent we heard laughter, then someone started to sing. Blaring out some sort of tune from a musical, the singing Pierce and Hunnicutt stumbled into our tent, obviously drunk. "Hey, you blue blooded third ass, what are you doing with our patients," Hawkeye mobbed Charles. "Correct! They are our patients! You have no business here," BJ confirmed - it was hard for him not to sway. "I just wanted to make sure, that both of you cretins didn't overlook anything neurological," Winchester replied, with a contemptuous look. Hawkeye put his hands to his hips: "Hey, Major high class onion! Do keep in mind, that I'm still the Chief Surgon around here! And believe me, we've made all the necessary examinations even when there, in this special case, is nothing to operate on !" Right in the middle of this quarrel, a fuming Potter stormed in, wearing his robe and holding a washcloth: "Pierce, Winchester, Hunnicutt, O U T!!! The girls badly need their rest!" Like surprised pupils the subdued officers slipped outside.. Hawkeye grumbling to himself.  
  
At this late hour, we hadn't really given the idea much consideration, that we hadn't seen much of the camp, except the hospital and our tent.  
  
"So Nicky, how about a moonlight stroll in the camp", Susan asked "No thank you, the trip over here was a great shock to my bones". I tried to refuse Susan's enthusiastic proposal. "And by the way, it's to dangerous to sneak around at night. Think of all the mines!" "Come on! They too sneak around in the middle of the night in some of the episodes," Susan informed me. " Just think of Margaret and Frank! It is only dangerous if you're in the minefield!" "Uh, I would really like to see the famous signpost with my own eyes!" I was caught up in her enthusiasm. "Let's go!" Susie was determined and pulled my blanket away, wanting to assist me getting up. "Can you stand up? How is your skull doing?!" "A little dizzy, but I'm doing well." I had to hold myself to the supporting post of the tent to find my balance. "I don't want to fall asleep and then wake up, tomorrow morning, comfortable at home in our beds and everything was just a dream. Come on, let's rush for adventures!" No sooner said than done! We carefully slipped out of the tent after we made sure, that the whole camp was asleep. In the tent beside us, one or more candles were apparently flickering . So, was this Houlihan's tent?! Well, well, she had a nightly visitor?! In the building where the hospital was, the lights were on as well. Probably in post-OP.  
  
It was not so easy to find one's way around in the dark. Finally we found orientation and soon discovered the famous signpost. Awestruck we stood in front of it. Susie insisted on touching the post, just to check if we were not dreaming. "I'd really like to nail our 'Munich' on it," I fooled around. "Are you nuts, not in the middle of the night. And by the way, what becomes of our alibi if you were to do it?!" Now we noticed the tent directly behind the signpost. Oh wow, the legendary Swamp!!! A horrible snoring came from inside the Swamp. "That must be Winchester," I assumed. "My Charles doesn't snore," Susan said angry. "Maybe it's your Hawkeye!" "Sure, of course, it is Charley! They even have an episode where he does it!" "Yeah, but your Hawkeye is a sleep-walker," Susie recalled an episode. "Hey, do you know, who am I missing?" I said. "Have you seen Radar anywhere?!" "That's right," Susie confirmed. "I haven't seen him roam around. Do you think he is still here, or is Klinger already the pen-pusher?!" "I don't think so," I knew that when Klinger became company-clerk, he gave up his section 8 tries. "Come on, there is only one way to find out...!" "What! Now?! In the middle of the night?" "Of course! Right now we can poke around undisturbed!" I was totally determined. "And maybe we'll be able to find out in Potter's office, just what they are planning to do with us. Do you remember where the entrance to Potter's office is?!" We discovered the Bulletin Board and quickly thereafter found the entrance to the office. And finally also found Radar! He was peaceful asleep in his bed, hugging his teddy bear tight. "Oh look!" Susie said enchanted. "He is so sweet!" "Who, Radar or the bear?" I whispered with a warning finger to be more low voiced. " Radar of course!" Susie was crazy about him. "He's so lovely when he snuggles his bear." "Hey, control yourself !" Sure Radar was cute, asleep like a little child.  
  
"Tomorrow morning at breakfast, I will try to become friends with him", Susie decided. "How was it now... 'Ahhh, Bach'!" "Come on, let's go", I urged before Radar was awakened by Susan's fit of enthusiasm.  
  
By now, we had been one week in our "Fantasy-comedy". No signs so far that the alarm clock would ring anytime soon. Susie and I were enjoying our adventures in our favorite TV-series more and more. We settled down very well in the work routines and nobody directly asked us where we came from anymore, 'cause they were grateful for any helping hands. We also got through our first proof of medical efficiency. A few days after our mysterious arrival, a lot of casualties came from the front. I was assigned to assist the nurses and went to work surprisingly calm. Susan was assigned to the medics and proved to be a good X ray assistant. I was about to make my grand entrance and I stepped Major Winchester mighty hard on his ego: First a nurse and then Dr. Winchester had been trying several times to stick a needle into a patient, but on this seriously wounded person ,there was not a vein to be found. As Winchester, very ill-humored stuck the needle in for the fourth time, I joined in, in the ambitious hope of hitting a vein at the back of the hand. I wished I'd had the "equipment" of my time available. But at the first attempt the needle laid perfect. I sent the obviously hurt Major a forgiving smile, as the plasma dropped into the patient. Soon I got a nickname: "Master of the needle" and I thereafter had to start dozens of IV's. Susan held some X-rays under Dr. Pierce's nose, while he, together with Winchester, was trying to save a solider with a severe head wound. The poor guy wouldn't make it into OR anymore, so they, in a sheer mediaeval way, burred a hole in his skull there in pre-OP. "He would have bigger chances with a CT or a nuclear spin", Susie said low- voiced to me as I attached an intravenous to this very patient. Blood spattered on us from Pierce's and Winchester's operation. "Thank God, there is no HIV or Hepatitis C here at this time", I muttered as I wiped the blood off my face. Susie wanted to clean up the blood spattered Hawkeye as well, when he looked up from his patient: "What are you both talking about?! What is a CT or a nuclear-what.....?! Is there a better way to save this poor kid?!" Oh, he had heard it after all! Charles also drew his attention to us and cut in: "Hepatitis C? I've never heard of such a version! What does these three letters mean?!" Oh shit, this blunder again! These diseases will not appear before the eighties. Respectively, they will be discovered in the early nineties and these high-tech diagnostic possibilities we had mentioned in front of Pierce and Winchester, would first be worked out years later. Lucky for us, all the surgeons had to scrub for OR, and saved us from the embarrassing situation. I was also condemned into OR. Fortunately I had done my apprenticeship at an urology practice and for training I had also assisted at the operating table at smaller operations. Even though I wasn't a trained nurse, they needed any hands they could get. So naturally, I was very nervous, when I, dressed in surgical scrubs, stepped into the busy OR. Houlihan right away commanded: "Lieutenant, you will assist Captain Pierce! Over there, please!" My heart made a somersault and stepping to Pierce's operating table made me even more nervous. I started sweating in the rubber gloves, specially as Pierce's incredible blue eyes looked provokingly over the edge of his surgical mask at me: "Be hold my eyes?! Isn't these the lovely eyes of my mysterious patient, who personally starts an IV so beautiful. Now show me, if you have the same skilled hands here.... later I'll show you my skilled hands in the linen room !" My thoughts were only on the gaping and bloody abdominal wound in front of me and my hands filled with warm and clotted blood inside. I tried to breath normal through my mask and sent a fast and fervent prayer to heaven, that this wouldn't make me sick. I swallowed hard and muttered into my mask: "Good gracious! The biggest operation I've ever assisted at was an orchidectomy," hoping my mumble couldn't be heard! Judging Hawkeye's dirty look, he must nevertheless have heard it and accepted the "show of balls", the excision of testicle, as my absolutely innocent challenge and for that he wooed me proverbial until Hot Lips loud and clear stopped his courtship. Without getting sick, I got through my very first belly and was spellbound by Pierce's highly gifted hands, and it was definitely a great pleasure to assist him and it soon dawned to me, that I had never done anything else but to hold forceps, give clamps, dab and do suction. For endless hours, like somnambulism, patients came and went off the stretchers under our hands. No human fate anymore, just mere flesh and blood, which had to be patched up quickly. How could anyone take this insanity day in and day out?! I'd lost every sense of time and somehow we got through it. Despite an enormous fatigue, I felt incredibly proud to have been a helping part in this "meatball surgery". In the course of my professional life, I've worked with some different, crazy and chaotic doctors, but today's experience was beyond all comparison to dreams and nightmares. Exhausted and with stiff backs, we stood at the wash basins and peeled off our dirty surgical scrubs, as Hawkeye, for appreciation, patted my shoulders: "For just a little urology assistant, you are highly talented! You did very well! You are hereby hired!" "Thank you," I smiled at him. "It's been a great honor to assist you!" "May I invite you over for a drink in the Swamp later?" I smiled even more at him. At last! Since my arrival, I had hoped for any occasion to see the legendary tent from inside. And on top of that to be invited by Hawkeye himself was definitely the best of all opportunities. After a dreadful dinner, the door to the Swamp was gallant opened to me. Hawkeye first threw a lot of dirty laundry under his bed and prepared the sleeping-bag over his rumpled cot to be able to offer me a seat. The moment I entered the tent, I first noticed the still, standing on a little table between the two cots. I now became aware of BJ who was laying on his bed reading a letter. "Wow, thus is the legendary Swamp!" I said, almost devoutingly. "Yeah, mythical and fabulous, in stereo and in Technicolor," Hawkeye promptly replied. "Wow, I'm impressed. It's exactly like I always imagined it," I gushed. What a great moment! Before I could have a look around in this den of vice, Pierce offered me a drink. BJ rose from his bed. He was a little taller than Hawkeye and had to stoop a little more to pass through the doorway. He wanted to check on a patient. I could have sworn, that there had just been a secret exchange of looks between them. What a sly dog! I wouldn't fall for Hawkeye Pierce! First we chatted about my former job in urology and how I managed these "meatball-surgery" sessions, as Hawkeye suddenly recalled, after having poured me the third Martini, that a few days ago I was personally his patient. Now he wanted to examine me once more, 'cause he hadn't had time till now and he reached for his khaki medical bag with the red cross on it. "I assure you, I'm okay! I am perfectly all right again". I tried to get rid of him. "If this has to be done, why not wait until tomorrow??" But he had already taking the plugs of the stethoscope in his ears and fingered at my neck-line: "I just want to listen to your pump again. Got to make sure it's not beating so fast anymore." That's unfair, I thought ironical, it would start beating fast again, if he continued in this manner.. The situation seemed to be coming off its hinges. Was it to blame on the alcohol, my exhaustion or was it simply the fact that he had now his soft and tender finger at my throat? I succumbed to his charm and gave up all resistance. I was no longer aware of the mess surrounding me. "I'm worried about your pulse rate! I think we should prescribe the kiss of life treatment," I heard him mutter and instantly, I felt his tender lips on mine and his kiss overwhelmed me - one of those kinds, where you don't want to put up a fight......  
  
In the meantime, Susan had become friends with Radar. They spend a lot of time together and the little company clerk proudly strolled around the camp due to the fact that he had finally gotten himself a girlfriend. If only Major Winchester hadn't been there.......poor Radar! Since the faithful blunder in pre-OP a few days ago, Charles ran, very noticeable, after Susie. He paid close attention to her and seemed totally infatuated with her. Susan was in the seventh heaven and poor little Radar with his teddy bear, was soon forgotten. Although I maintained, that Winchesters sudden interest for my friend were based on the three letters he had heard us say in pre-OP, she nevertheless went on a picnic with him.  
  
I just had washed my hair to get ready for my date with Hawkeye, when Susie came back from her rendezvous with Winchester. High on love and smiling, she fell to my neck: "Nicky, I'm so glad. I told him! Now I am rid of our secret!" I dropped the comb I held in my hand, pushed Susan away from me and starred at her open mouthed and speechless. After a while, I found my voice again: "Y O U D I D W H A T?!???" "You heard me", she said blushing. "I've told Charles our complete story!" - she was smiling again: "I can't tell you how glad I am, that I've told somebody of our fate! And Charles was so snuggling and sweet......." "Are you crazy? Tell me, you're only playing with half a deck..HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!" I yelled and had to sit down on the bed. I thought I was going to faint again. "Now please tell my everything!" Susie sat down on the bed beside me and started spilling her guts: "Well, he picked me up right on time and we sat our picnic up real romantic - right behind the motor pool. Oh boy, he brought an awful lot of expensive food along. All this noble stuff was sent to him by his family in Boston. I believe the wine is to blame for my chattering away... I'm not kidding, the wine must have inspired me......., hi hi". She giggled again, sat cross-legged and with a gushing expression, she went on: " While we were eating, he began, between his pompous Shakespeare- quotations, to get me talking about these strange diseases, we had mentioned earlier and I impressed him with my knowledge on HIV infections and I showed off even more on the Hepatitis-C area... Hey, speaking of, I hope, you keep this in mind, if it should come so far with Hawkeye....." "Are you nuts," I cut Susie short and was shocked by her wild imagination. "Come on, there's no HIV at this time. But who knows about Hepatitis C.....?!" "That's right," Susie considered . "There probably was Hepatitis C in those days, but they had no way of proving it. But it doesn't matter now! All right, where were we??" " At the picnic!" I helped on. "Ah, yeah," Susan continued: "Can you imagine, that Charles never asked me how we came to know so much about these modern diseases??" I jumped from the bed and tore my hair while yelling: "I should have known , that nothing good would come from anticipating time and revealing future events. You could even have talked about the moon landing!" "Hey, we're here in a TV-series, not in real life!" Susie mockingly reminded me. "Ha ha, is this reality or fantasy then?!" I said desperate. "O Lord, maybe we're really right in the middle of it. Perhaps we're even live on the air right at this moment. At home they will be able to see us. How we rack our brains over it and maybe they can hear what we're discussing. We have probably already mixed the complete action of the series up......" my imagination ran wild. "Of course!!" Susie rotated her eyes and said ironically: "We'll become great stars and heroes, should we get out of here alive......I'll tell you, I don't want to think about it any more, I don't even understand what's going on any more!" Alarmed, I suddenly realized something dreadful: "I'm a dead girl! Do you know what pops into my mind right about now? Oh shit, dear God, should we really be live on the air tonight and if they are able to watch us at home......." I didn't even dare to pronounce it. "T H O M A S," Susie whispered the name of my boyfriend with a huge grin . She was actually very amused. "And you are flirting and smooching with Hawkeye!" "Oh boy, this could mean big trouble," I realized and with a contemptuous gesture continued: "Who cares, Thomas doesn't even like M*A*S*H and without me he would never watch it!" "Ha ha, hi hi, and your boss will be killing himself with laughter just at this moment," Susan pitched up the thread and thought of my Doc at home, "because he is watching M*A*S*H!" "Please stop it," I laughed. "it's all a bunch of nonsense! Let's stop all this chimeras! By the way, where were we now??? Oh, yeah, tell me more about Charly!" "Okay, then he, in a very clever way, tried to cross-question me and, well, it all became so complicated, that I didn't have any other choice, than to tell him the whole truth, about how we ended up here." Susie looked at me with her most innocent look. "Did he buy it," I asked, burning with curiosity. "Well, I'm not sure," Susie said with doubt in her voice. "I honestly can't tell you! He seemed to be more interested in our part of time and where we came from. In particular the medical progress...." Again I cut her short: "I hope you didn't tell him about the medical and technical wonders, that will occur the next 50 years. He could make a big carrier with that kind of knowledge." "Well, I only told him a little bit," Susan admitted. "He was so fascinated by computer engineering, especially modern radiology. But he also seemed interested in the success and future life of the series and in television generally." I showed the white of my eyes and wringed my hands: "Oh no, not this again! I believe that all the safety devices of my brain are going to burst soon! I don't understand anything any more," I was confused and muddled, just like in the beginning. I let my arms sink and shrugged my shoulders: "What do you mean?? Are Charles and the others then actors or real doctors and nurses?!" " Well, who pestered me whole last night and kept saying, how great Doc Hawk were and what an honor it was to have assisted him," Susie unnervingly asked. Okay, she was right. What a stupid question! Susie giggled: "Laugh away! I've had almost the same thoughts, just forgot to tell you! You know, a few days ago, I made a little test in the mess tent. I just wanted to see, what would happen if I asked Radar for an autograph......" The amusing expression on Susie's face, made me giggle as well, and she continued: "First he looked at me as if I was be a sheep in uniform, but then he, without any comment and in his childish handwriting ,scrabbled his 'Radar O'Reilly' on a napkin." Amused I shook my head, but Susie wasn't done at all: "Wait a minute! It gets much better! I even gave it a try with Potter, but he, promptly and absolutely serious, answered, that Radar was responsible for such a paper war." We looked inquiring at each other and then Susie said: "Well, as I understand it, these guys here doesn't realize, that they are only in a TV- series. The Camp and the war is the cruel reality to them...I don't get it any more," she said with a tired sigh. "An hour ago, Charles was so caring and sweet, to have embraced and tried to comfort me........." "And then he kissed you as well," I interrupted Susie with a big grin. "Please Nicky! Charles Emerson Winchester the Third doesn't do a thing like that at his first rendezvous. He has more style and isn't such a womanizer as your Hawkeye!" That was the key-word! I jumped from the bed. My date! "Oh boy, I'd almost forgotten him! I had to dry my hair in a hurry!"  
  
Hawkeye took me out for candlelight dinner at Rosie's Bar. Later, he had arranged it with wine, music and candle lights in the supply room - everything which makes a woman's heart beat harder. Tightly embraced, we danced to the rhythms of "Happy day's are here again..". Hawkeye had just started to nibble on my neck, as someone knocked at the door. "Hush, we're not here," he whispered in my ear. "Hawk, are you in there?" It was BJ's voice: "Hawkeye, it's urgent!" " I only call my discharge an urgent reason to disturb us at dessert," he called at the door, then, in a more friendly tone continued: "Beeeej, come on, come in! What's the matter?" "Thought, I would find you here. Potter is fuming, 'cause your didn't answer. He has called for an officers meeting three times!" "Physical absence is sometimes better than presence of the mind!" Hawkeye promptly answered. "We were at Rosie's! What are you saying, a meeting?! Now, at this late time? Isn't any private life allowed in this hell hole ?!" BJ laughed: "What, privacy in the army!?! Come on, we're only waiting for you! Potter asked for an urgent meeting with Hot Lips, Father Mulcahy and us." "What has Winchester been up to?" was Hawkeye's first conjecture as he kissed me for goodbye. At the door, he turned around, came back, grabbed me in his arms and once more gave me a passionate kiss: "Don't budge an inch, no further than the wine bottle! We'll carry on right where we were interrupted! I'll be back in no time, honey." Before the one glass of wine I had could effect me, Hawkeye came back again. At the most, he was away for half an hour. The sight of his serious expression when he entered the room, made my heart sink immediately, because I instinctively knew, that we, Susie and I, must have been the reason for this extraordinary meeting. Winchester?! Of course, that's why he was excluded! He must have been babbling about Susie's confession. Hawk stood in front of the mattress I was sitting on. His hands deeply buried in his pockets and he looked seriously at me. The air was charged with suspense. His professional look showed, that he was no longer the womanizing seducer, but the concerning doctor. "Think, it's time for some brain surgery!" he started and bent down looking encouraging at me: "I think, it's time to tell me your problems!" For one moment I was speechless. "What's the matter?", I asked determined: "Why did Potter want to see you in such a hurry?" He kneeled on the mattress and sat near me, almost at eye level: "Charles told an unbelievable story from your friend!" His incredible blue eyes under the concerned frowning examined me critically: "Nicky trust me! You must relieve yourself from this trauma! Whatever terrible has happened to both of you, don't repress it any longer. Talk about it! Come on! What do you remember? Let's go! Spill it !" The lump in my throat grew. I couldn't withstand his piercing and critical eyes any longer. Something touched me - I was on the verge of crying. "Okay, then we'll try it the harsh way!" Hawkeye, with a laughing undertone, threatened "then I'm going to beat it out of you!" I had to laugh: "YOU!! You wouldn't dare it! The great humanist, healer and lady-killer....." "Yes, indeed!" He grinned cheeky and grasped me by the waist and began to tickle me, until we rolled together onto the mattress. He pressed me down with the weight of his upper body and forced my arms down with his hands. His face was very close to mine and I wondered, if this wasn't just another of his ways of seduction. For a moment he held me in this "sweat box", then tenderly caressed my hair: "I only want to help you ," he said soft voiced. His piercing eyes and soft voice caused an urgent wish, to finally get rid of my secret. His clever method of treatment finally got to me and I sat determined up: "Okay, here comes the whole truth, even if it sounds ridiculous! I remember every little detail. I never had amnesia or a trauma, I am just a TV-junkie! Actually I live in the 21.st century and in 20 years from now, in 1972, a TV-series about your M*A*S*H-camp here will be produced......................." Hawk sat facing me and listened with an astounding expression. His forehead wrinkled, until I told him what it had meant to me, to have worked with him and to sit here besides him. I made a huge sigh of relief. Oh boy, Susie was right, it was so much better to have told it to someone! The last minutes, he had been listening with his elbows propped up, his fingers thoughtfully at his mouth and was still lost in thought, when I reached the end of my tale. "You don't believe me, do you?!" I asked anxious, at his silent thoughtfulness. His first reaction was, to reach out for me, lay his hand on my forehead, while he, with the other hand, reached for my wrist, and just as he had found my pulse, I pulled my hand away, and snapped: "I'm not sick! And I'm also not totally nuts!" Now I couldn't restrain the tears. All the tension of the last few days, his lack of comprehension and the absurdness of this awful situation melted together in a flood of tears. "Come here," he said softly, and pulled me close in a tight embrace. I cried, sobbed and quivered in his arms. "I think, we need professional help!" Hawkeye was very businesslike as he patted my back comfortingly. "I have a friend back in Seoul......" I cut him short, sniffing and freed myself from his embrace: "Yes, I know! Sidney Freedman! He usually comes to the 4077 to play poker!" Now it was his turn to look confused: "How do you know that? How have you come to know Sid?!" "I just told you. Good old Sidney appears in the series as well", I answered truthfully. "And even you will end up at the crazy home for a while, at the end of the series....." Now we both had to laugh and I made it a point of honor to tell my story plausible. Gently, he released me, stood up to look for something in the shelves of the supply room. He soon returned with a glass tube filled with pills. As he took one tablet out, I could read the label: Diazepam! Oh I see, a sedative! "Here, I want you to take this" ,he handed me a little white pill and poured a sip of wine in my glass . "As long as you don't give me Imap", I replied ironically. Blank and confused, he looked at me. "Oh, it's a major tranquilizer in my time," I grinningly informed him. "It's needed for the turbo nuts!" Terrific! Now I would get doped?! Calmed down like a mad person?! Obedient, I put the little white thing in my mouth - but under the tongue, in order to take it out later! "I'll call Sidney right away and then we'll see," he said soothingly, as if he was talking to a patient. "Now go over to your tent and try to get some sleep. I'll be around later to check on both of you. I'd really like to hear Susie's version of your story!"  
  
I ran home to our tent - very upset. "Do you know, what your noble Winchester has been up to?!" I asked furious in the doorway to the dark tent. "He immediately ran to Potter and squealed!" I switched the lights on. Susie looked sleepy at me, it was very late. Then I told her about last few hours. At the mentioning of Sidney Freedman, she even had the nerves to laugh: "Bravo! Now they're all joined together! Only Frank, Trapper and Henry are missing, otherwise we would have experienced everybody live........" "I'm really not amused any more," I grumbled. "Why are you so upset?! All evening a rumor was going around, that Sidney is coming tomorrow morning". Susie grinned mysteriously at me: "The rumor says, that Potter has called Sid, because of Winchesters mental state of health." Now I had to laugh with her. Who were nuts?! Him or us?! Susan jumped out of bed: "Come on, let's overhear Hawkeye's phone call to Sid, and let's sneak around Potter's office. Maybe we'll finally be able figure out, just what they're planning to do with us!"  
  
And then we, once again, prowled through the dark camp, armed with a flashlight and wildly determined to learn about our fate. Carefully, we groped our way to the door to Radar's room, to see if Hawkeye had already made his telephone call. It was suspiciously quiet in there. Not a sound, no talking, no phone conversation. Hawkeye had apparently finished or maybe he didn't even get Sid on the phone. So, we ventured inside. Once again, it was soooo sweet to watch Radar sleep with his teddy bear. Pierce therefore couldn't have been here already?! Lucky for us! We went inside Colonel Potter's office and softly closed the door behind us. As we turned around, we thought our hearts would stop beating and the adrenaline shot through our veins.  
  
Someone was sitting at Potter's desk! By his height, we recognized, that it couldn't be the colonel himself. Hawkeye flashed through my mind. What was going on here?! But it was too late for any escape. And right at this moment, the silhouette looked up. I flashed him right in the face and almost dropped my flashlight in shock. "Flagg!" escaped my mouth. He was absolutely the last person I expected to see! "Swell, just what we need", Susie confirmed with her mouth wide open. "That's Colonel Flagg, to you!" he instructed. And as if he had just realized, that I had addressed him by his name, he asked confusingly: " How do you know who am I?! That's confidential! I'm incognito here!" "Oh, that's a long story......." I sighed. In the same moment, the light was switched on. We turned to the door. There stood a drowsy Potter and Radar with his robe open, still hugging his teddy bear. "Oh no..Flagg! Not you again!" Potter grumbled . "If you don't have any half brained......" BJ stepped inside, and Hawkeye right behind him. Apparently, they had a problem with a patient in post-OP, because BJ wore a white coat and a stethoscope dangled around Hawkeye's neck. Oh, I see, that's why he hadn't had time to make his phone call. BJ had seemingly called for him. "Hey, are you throwing a party without us?" Hawkeye asked with a surprised voice." Oh no, think I'm coming down with a case of Flagg- fever!" "Of course, Captain Pierce", the CIA-man combined razor-sharp. "I should have known that you're involved." "What has your red-smoked brain hatched this time?" Pierce replied cheeky. "We've got information, that you're hiding two spies." Flagg turned to Susie and me. Susan's mouth was hanging open. And I'd lost all laughs as well. Now it had become critical! Our comedy seemed to change into a drama! "He definitely has ceramics-syndrome, a crack in his bowl! IF these girls are commies then I'll desert voluntary," Pierce grumbled and twinkled encouraging at us. Like our guardian angels, Pierce and Hunnicutt stepped behind us. Hawkeye hissed into my ear: "Hey, you should be asleep by now! What are you doing here?!" "Easy, Pierce," Potter warned. In this moment, the door flung open again and Margaret turned up, looking as if she had just seen a ghost , accompanied by Father Mulcahy who was wearing only his pajamas. "What's all this commotion at this late hour," she nagged. With just one look Potter commanded silence. With a severe expression he addressed us: "So dear ladies, the time has come to give your memory a leg up. We did some investigation on your part and found out that you are absolutely unknown at the Evac hospital nor are there any army documents on you! So you do not exist in any way!" In the middle of this dramatic scene, Klinger stumbled into the office, holding up his rifle, still wearing his high heels: " Oh, I thought I had to help someone, to defend our country....." By now, Winchester had been allured by all the noise and came in the office, dressed in pajamas - which was about two sizes too small! By one movement with his hand, Potter silenced everyone: "Please, be quite! And may I ask our both Lieutenants to start telling the truth for once!" Susie took a deep breath and was about to start with an angry reply, as a whirring and glittering light filled the air and a strangely dressed man emerged from out of nowhere. He was almost bald and his face resembled turtles: "Please state the nature of the medical emergency!" Everyone looked dumbfounded at him, Susan and myself most of all! This strange shape in his black and blue playsuit and these funny expression pointed at Potter and his officers: "Oh no, not YOU again! Do you have to mix up my TV-experiment every time........Computer, end this program!"  
  
  
  
Author's note again: For everyone, who doesn't understand the ending of my story 'cause not everyone is a Star Trek fan: We didn't actually get "beamed" into the MASH-series but rather stranded in the Star Trek Universe. The strange man with the turtle looking face who emerges at the end is the Holodoc from the Starship "Voyager". If it all takes place at the Holodeck or merely in the fantasy of the author/readers is up to everyone to decide for them selves!  
  
I do not own any of these characters they all belong the producers and creators of M*A*S*H and STAR TREK and all other mentioned series/movies. It's just a fanfic because I like writing and I had this idea for such a long time and I would be very happy for any feedback. Please send it to: headnurse@t-online.de  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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